How Intermittent Reinforcement Keeps Us Trapped in Toxic Relationships

By Jordan Mayfield, LSCSW, LCAC

Unfortunately, I spend a great deal of my practice supporting and helping individuals who have found themselves in toxic and at times, abusive relationships. A common question I hear is “How did I end up in this situation again?” It’s important to understand that unhealthy or abusive relationships almost never start out that way. In fact, they usually start out the opposite. These types of relationships initially feel exciting and fulfilling. We may even feel spiritually or cosmically drawn to them. This emotional intensity, fast attachment and extreme vulnerability are usually the first signs that an unhealthy relationship is blooming.

The excitement and intensity get us initially hooked. But it is intermittent reinforcement which keeps us around. An intermittent reward is defined as a positive or pleasurable experience given at unpredictable intervals. This is how gambling works. The gambler does not know when, if or how big the reward will be. This creates a sense of excitement and desire to continue playing. If a person never won, of course they would stop. If your partner screamed or belittled you at every single interaction, it would be much easier to leave. But just like in gambling, an intermittent reward is given which makes us feel happy to keep playing, and the reward is seemingly worth the risk of doing so.

Like gambling, social media utilizes intermittent rewards to keep us scrolling. Social media companies will withhold likes and release them to you at specific intervals when your interest is waning. This causes us to check back in with the app repeatedly to see what new content is or isn’t there.

Intermittent rewards in relationships are outlined in the cycle of abuse wheel. According to PsychCentral the four stages are: tension building, incident of violence/abuse, reconciliation, and calm. After an abuse incident or toxic outburst there is often a period of time where the abuser showers their partner with love, affection and even gifts. They typically will report remorse for the outburst and promise they will not do it again. This phase is often known as the “Honeymoon phase.” It is when the partner you remember from the beginning of the relationship returns, diluting the emotional memories of their most recent episode. When I talk to clients, they will have a laundry list of, at times, heinously abusive acts their partner has committed against them. They almost always follow up with “but they’re not that bad, they’re also really kind.” This is because their intermittent rewards are effective enough to convince us that they will change, we are part of the problem, and/or it’s not that bad.

Intermittent rewards can also be used to keep us attached to unfulfilling relationships that aren’t abusive. For example, a person who is generally dissatisfied with their relationship might mention this to their partner. The partner likely will respond with positive reinforcement by trying to do or not do the thing that you have brought up. As time goes by, they go back to doing whatever they were initially doing and you are again, dissatisfied. This intermittent reward of fulfillment might be enough to feel like the relationship you are in is “good enough.”

An intermittent reward is not the only type of reinforcement present in unhealthy or abusive relationships. Intermittent negative reinforcement is often present as well. This might be recognized as “walking on eggshells” and not knowing when or if a partner will explode. The blog Calmsage identifies walking on eggshells as the following:

• Your partner gets angry at the slightest inconvenience

• Your partner often experiences angry outbursts that are more intense than the situation warrants

• Your partner often engages in verbal assault

• You’re always on guard around your partner

• Your partner’s moods are noticed by others too

• Your partner often engages in physical fights and blowouts in the relationship

• Your partner rarely apologizes for their verbal or physical outbursts

• Your partner refuses to acknowledge their responsibility for the pain

• You feel scared and fearful of your partner’s reaction

• You’re experiencing a low sense of self and self-confidence

Intermittent negative reinforcement is “effective” as a manipulation strategy in relationships because it keeps the victim afraid and confused. Then they tailor their behavior to elicit positive reinforcement and reduce the negative. However, the victim’s behavior change is never sufficient, and they often find themselves the target of continued abuse and blame.

If this information resonates with you, it is likely that you are involved in a relationship that is at best unhealthy and at worst, abusive. If you identify with being in an abusive relationship, please know that the most dangerous time in these relationships is when you choose to leave, even if the relationship has not been physically abusive before. At the bottom of this article, you will find resources to help and support you during this time.

If your relationship is not at the abusive stage, Marriage.com offers some ideas in how to manage relationships where intermittent reinforcement is present.

• Hold your boundaries even when it is uncomfortable

• Understand that there is no “last time.” Instead, your partner will continue to manipulate you for their own sake

• Decide how much you are willing to lose by staying in the relationship

• Learn to love and protect yourself

Support is paramount when coming to terms with, understanding and leaving these types of relationships. The abuser will attempt to isolate you from those support systems and convince you that you are the problem. Please know that help is available. You can learn more by visiting www.thehotline.org, calling 1.800.799.7233 or texting “START” to 88788.