Grandiosity: The Grim Reaper of Relationships

By Jordan Mayfield, LSCSW, LCAC

The word "narcissist" in 2023 is about as popular as the word "Wassup" was in the 90s. It is a psychology buzzword which is used often and incorrectly. While it’s true that narcissism is real and Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an actual mental health diagnosis, it is much more complex than how it is generally used. Very often what is described to be narcissistic in a partner is in fact grandiosity, which we all can struggle with at times.

            The relationship therapist Terry Real has done a great deal of research and work on the idea of grandiosity and its negative impact in romantic relationships. He notes that therapists spend a significant amount of time working with clients on increasing self-esteem but very little, if any time, on decreasing problematic self-esteem. Over-inflated self-esteem is coined grandiose, or “one-up” and lower self-esteem, is better known as shame or being in the “one- down” position. What’s important to recognize is that in most relationships, especially our romantic ones we will at different times be in either of these positions.

            Grandiosity is a sense of superiority and a central part of narcissism, but they are not one in the same. One common conflict highlighting grandiosity that is brought up in relationship counseling is the “right” way to load the dishwasher. Both people in the couple believe that the way they load it is correct, while the other is wrong.  This is assuming a “one-up” or grandiose position. It is different however, from narcissism because neither person thinks they are inherently better than the other.

            People in the “one-up” position have rigid boundaries and are unwilling to compromise or look at the situation from another’s perspective. It often sounds like “this shouldn’t be this way” or “that person shouldn’t have done that.” The implication is that my way is better and right, and you are wrong. This is a relationship killer because conflict is an expected and necessary part of a relationship and if one or both parties are not willing to listen, validate and/or compromise then the couple lives in a me versus you dynamic instead of an us against the problem one. In the dishwasher example, taking a “one-down” position sounds like “you’re right. I’m stupid. I don’t know how to do this. You know better than I do.” Of course, this is not healthy for a relationship either and the “one-down” person lacks necessary boundaries to help move the couple toward health, too.

            We live in a society which promotes this way of thinking. We are constantly seeking good grades, likes, money, followers, and approval. We are perpetually trying to move up the ladder of perceived success. We formulate our own self-worth against others by saying things like “well at least I’m not that bad off. I have this much more of x than they do. Can you believe she did that?” This toxicity gets carried into our relationships and we often worry more about being right than about honoring and nurturing the bond.

            If we often find ourselves in “one-up” thinking then we will inevitably fall into the opposite extreme of “one-down thinking”. You can’t have one without the other. If I am better than some people that I am also worse than others. In relationships though, one person more commonly occupies the rigid, grandiose position more while the other is in the shame, boundary-less one. The way out is finding the balance or healthy area in which we are no better or worse than our partner or their ideas, and we are open to the influence of them. In my home, I have discovered that my husband in fact does have some good ideas on how to place the cups in the dishwasher and yours probably does too.