The Psychology Behind Chronic Lateness and What to do About It

By Jordan Mayfield LSCSW, LCAC

We all know people who are consistently late. Perhaps that person is you. Recently I’ve been working with clients who struggle in this area, who want to change but feel inept or unable to do so. Whether you are late to work, school, an appointment, or an event, your tardiness is problematic because it not only affects you, it also can negatively impact those who you leave waiting. As someone who is chronically early, this topic is something I have difficulty understanding or relating to so, I decided to dive into some of the research on this topic to understand the psychology behind this behavior and how to help others navigate it.

One thing I have noticed when working with or interacting with people in my personal life who struggle with this is that there are usually one of two responses to the lateness. One group usually feels a lot of shame and guilt associated with their lateness but feels helpless to change it. The other group feels frustrated with the rigid structure of timeliness and that others should be more understanding and accommodating of their lateness.

The constant rushing around, worry and then shame of ultimately being late is a self-perpetuating cycle that drains a lot of energy. What if that same energy was put toward changing the cycle? Rashelle Isip, an organizational coach states that the build-up of stress, embarrassment for being confronted about this behavior and/or missing something important are the primary reasons people begin to address this pattern. People are only likely to make time management adjustments once the negative consequences have become too steep, such as failing a class for attendance reasons or losing a job for perpetual tardiness.

Linda Sapadin, a psychologist who specializes in time management, has identified four personality types which are susceptible to lateness.

The Perfectionist: The perfectionist personality type is the person who will not leave their house until everything about themselves such as appearance are perceived as perfect. Since perfection is not achievable, they are in constant conflict with feeling “ready” and the clock.

The Anxiously Motivated: This type requires a high feeling of anxiety or crisis to produce motivation to do something. This will resonate with those diagnosed with an anxious/ADD combo. This is when most motivation to complete or begin a task happens when anxiety is at an all-time high and negative consequences are imminent.

The Defier: This personality type views their lateness as a way to rebel against the structure of time and other social constructs in which they do not agree with or do not subscribe to. Being late is a passive-aggressive way to communicate to the authorities that be, ultimately creating a reputation of being difficult or not caring.

The Dreamer: Lastly this type of latecomer usually gets so lost in their own internal world that they lose track of time. This personality type also is too optimistic in their appraisal of how long something will take and is usually wrong. They believe a drive to work will take 10 minutes when in fact taking traffic or other unexpected delays into account takes more like 20. This is most consistent with the ADHD individual.

The author notes that most individuals who are chronically late have a combination of these different personalities. The first step in addressing this problem is identifying the area(s) and reason(s) behind the struggle. Once the cause has been determined, a tailored approach can be created to target it. For example: for the individual that under-estimates the amount of time something will take would benefit from targeting a specific area like being late to work and time their commute there. After identifying the actual time this process takes the individual is better able to manage their time blindness and can set an alarm alerting them when to leave.

Cultural variables should also be taken into consideration when understanding this issue. Event-centered cultures define time as the beginning, middle and end of an event. Clock-centered cultures, like the United States, rely on clocks to determine when something begins and ends. Additionally, America also views time as linear and monochromatic, meaning that the rigid adherence to timeliness is important because the longer a task takes to complete the more time, energy and money are wasted. It is important to note that neither of these is inherently right or wrong but that we can adapt to the expectations of the situation or circumstance.

So, what happens if you identify as an early bird but a loved one struggles with being on time? Understanding the reasons as to why a person struggles with timeliness is the first step in being able to offer compassion instead of anger. However, it is equally important to not enable the behavior. Clear and firm boundaries have the most significant impact in shaping this behavior, not more flexibility. For example, if you and your partner have decided to leave at 6:00 p.m. for dinner, you need to ready and willing to leave for dinner at 6:00 p.m. even if it’s alone. It is important to let your partner know beforehand that this is the boundary, so they are not surprised when it is implemented. Be sure to offer care and validation, not judgment and scolding when they are inevitably upset after missing the deadline. Let them know you support them and want to help them implement their own problem-solving strategies to address this. You can start by forwarding them this article.

It is important not to take over as the loved one’s alarm clock, calendar, or planner. If you already have found yourself in this position gently hand the responsibilities back over. I know you’re thinking, but, Jordan, they will be late or miss if I don’t remind them. Yes, I know. That’s the point. Once the negative consequence level increases to the point that a person acknowledges a problem is when willingness and behavior change begin.

The goal for increased timeliness cannot be perfection. Researchers say that a focus on being on time the majority of the time is a realistic goal. Equally important is acceptance that we will not be about 10% of the time and allowing this to be true without beating ourselves up. Pick one area to focus on at a time, usually the one with the most negative consequences if we are late (i.e. work) and allow the skills that help in this area to expand outward.

Nowadays there are many apps that can help with time management and organization. If you need help implementing problem solving strategies this is an excellent avenue to explore. The more a person can take ownership of their behavior change the more they will be invested in it and the more confidence will be built. The world is positively influenced by the anxiously motivated, the defier, the perfectionist, and the dreamer. However, being able to adapt to some of the social expectations of timeliness allows those positive offerings to be heard and validated more clearly.