The Impact of Parental Anxiety on Both Child and Parent

By Jordan Mayfield, LSCSW, LCAC

Being a parent is often the most stressful and high-stakes job that one will have in their lifetime. So, it’s no wonder that parents often experience high levels of anxiety associated with it. However, there are times when parental anxiety becomes pathological and causes functional impairment for both the parent and the child. A working definition of parental anxiety is excessive worry about a child’s health and well-being, about whether a child will hit normal childhood development milestones, their social life, their future, and/or their performance at school. This worry negatively impacts the parent and their enjoyment in their parental role. To decrease worry the parent might participate in behaviors to avoid their exposure to it.

Common behaviors parents with parental anxiety exhibit include:

·      Avoidance and shielding: This is when a parent tries to prevent anything negative from happening to their child. This includes removing the child or themselves from situations the parent finds fearful. An example of this would be not allowing the child to attend a birthday party because they are afraid they might get hurt even though there is no evidence to support this.

·      Engaging in anxious self-talk: This is when parents have conversations about their fears with their children or within earshot of their children. This would include conversations about school shootings, tornadoes, drownings or any other potential threat which transfers the parent’s anxiety to the child.

·      Excessive researching: This can include excessive research on the part of the parent about health-related concerns, child development, or other parenting related questions or issues (Healthline).

Children of anxious parents are more likely to have anxiety themselves. In fact, studies show that “kids whose parents struggle with anxiety are two to seven times more likely to develop an anxiety disorder themselves” (NYULangone).  This is both because the child is genetically predisposed to having anxiety and because the environment they are being raised in is an anxious one.

The parent-child anxiety cycle and the cycle of criticism and anxiety are excellent guides to understanding this process.

The Parent-Child Anxiety Cycle:

1.    The child expresses a worry.

2.    The parent becomes worried and tries to reassure.

3.    Child escalates worry expression.

4.    Parent becomes frustrated and/or overwhelmed.

5.    Parent and child become upset.

6.    Parent and child become insecure about handling worries (Soulutiontalk).

A common example of this cycle might sound like this:  

Kid: “I’m worried about going to school today.”

Parent: “Oh, don’t worry about that. Things will be fine.” 

Kid: “I just can’t go. You don’t understand.”

Parent: “You have to go. I have to go to work.”

Both parent and child are now frustrated. Parent and child both feel more anxiety regarding going to school the following day.

A more effective way to address this might sound like this:

Kid: “I’m worried about going to school today.”

Parent: “Sometimes we all get worried. What do you think might help?”

This response validates the child’s feelings while encouraging them to identify and implement coping strategies. This helps the child build confidence in their ability to handle their problems and manage their feelings.

The Cycle of Criticism and Anxiety:

1.    Parent has anxiety.

2.    Parent predicts irresponsibility.  

3.    Child feels discouraged and irresponsible.

4.    Parent takes over.

5.    Child feels resentful (Connected Families).

A common example of this cycle might look like this:

1.    Parent is worried about kid’s grades.

2.    Parent checks the kid’s grades online and realizes there is missing work.

3.    Parent says “Don’t you have math homework to do? Colleges look at these grades!”

4.    Kid makes excuses saying they’ll get it done, but the work doesn’t get turned in (Imperfectfamilies).

Here is a more effective option:

1.    Parent considering “What are my child’s goals with their grades?”

2.    Parent asking “How do you feel this semester is going for you? Are you reaching your goals? Is there anything you need from me to support you better?”

As parents we transmit anxiety through our thinking and/or what we say, our feelings and our behaviors. Below are some common parental cognitions and behaviors that have been shown to maintain childhood anxiety:

·      Impeding autonomy (i.e. not allowing privacy, development of own beliefs/interests, not encouraging ability to complete age appropriate tasks alone or not allowing children to tolerate their own distress).

·      Parental overcontrol (i.e. excessive regulation of activities, overprotection).

·      Modeling of anxiety.

·      Encouraging catastrophic thinking/interpretations.

·      Criticism and rejection (Anxiety.org).

When reflecting on and learning about parental-anxiety there is a strong gender bias. When doing research on this topic most often mothers were identified and discussed as the “anxious” parent. This was reminiscent in some ways of Freudian Psychology where the mother was often to blame for all psychological neuroses. So, I feel it is important to point out that while the data do in fact show that mothers are more likely to experience and struggle with anxiety more than fathers, there is a social and cultural component to this which should not be ignored.

One of the contributing factors to this is that media targets mothers and plays on their anxieties to sell products. In the article “Motherhoods: Feminist Solidarity and Fear Rhetoric” author Jessica Restaino states that “much of the language about motherhood presents a singular model rooted in fear and hopeless perfectionism.” For example, magazines regard mothers as single-handedly responsible for the “protection of their children against countless unseen, larger-than-life threats to safety and well-being” (Restaino). Just look at some of these actual magazine article headlines targeted at mothers:

“When it comes to lead, there is just no safe blood level for children.”

“Product Recalls.”

“My daughter almost lost a toe because of a strand of hair!”

“Most children who get diabetes aren’t fat.” (Restanio).

            Certainly, media and pop culture have a gender bias that mothers are primarily responsible for all things health and safety related to their children, and of course this is internalized. The pressure to be a “good mother” tops the list of mom’s anxieties. And since this is a completely unrealistic and unattainable goal the way we attempt to measure this “goodness” is through our children. Are they happy? Are they healthy? Are they smart? Are they talented? Are they popular? Etc. And of course, it is a recipe for disaster to measure our worth through another person’s behavior. This can then lead to hyper-focus and fixation on what our children are doing and how are children are feeling.

            The pressure moms feel not only come from the inside, but outside of themselves. 90% of women reported feeling judged as mothers and 80% of them reported feeling judged by their own families (Pais). Additionally, 70% of mothers reported feeling guilty about not being what is expected of them. Women working outside of the home is at all-time high while also reporting that 65% of them also are expected to carry the mental and physical burden of taking on tasks at home (Pais). Lack of sleep, lack of self-care, and lack of participation in enjoyable activities all strongly influence a persons’ anxiety. If mothers are experiencing more anxiety, thus influencing their children’s anxiety it needs to be addressed as a societal, cultural, and systemic issue, rather than a personal failing.

            But until this happens here are some helpful tips that anxious parents can use to diffuse their experience of anxiety about their kids.

1.    Mindfulness.

2.    Exercise as self-care.

3.    Gaining social support.

4.    Deep breathing.

5.    Relaxation techniques.

6.    Journaling.

7.    Therapy and/or medication.

Being a parent is often one of the most rewarding jobs. But most parents will also agree that it is one of the most difficult. Caring about someone and something so much can sometimes lead to cognitive distortions and emotional reasoning creating pain for everyone. If you find that you relate to the experiences of parental anxiety and would like to find some relief, I encourage you to speak with a therapist. You don’t have to struggle alone.