The Do's and Don'ts of Supporting your LGBTQ+ Child

By Jordan Mayfield, LSCSW, LCAC

When a child comes out as part of the LGBTQ+ community it can be difficult for parents to know how to respond. Part of this confusion could be their own internalized homophobia and/or transphobia even if they want to be and are supportive. An important part of an inclusive home is fostering this environment before a child has an understanding of their gender identity and/or sexual orientation. This can include using gender neutral terms, asking instead of assuming, and not placing gender/heterosexual normative expectations on a child such as finding a husband and being a mother.

Here are some helpful things to keep in mind if/when your child comes out to you:

1. Don’t make it about you: do not focus the conversation on your feelings, your worries or what you perceive you will be “missing out on.” The most helpful thing you can do is offer support and encouragement. Let them know you love them, not despite their gender identity or sexual orientation but because you love them. Additionally, do not tell them “you already knew” because this can be experienced as invalidating or worrisome, sparking insecurities regarding passing or masking.

2. Don’t make them your teacher: one of the biggest issues I hear from clients is that their family members look to them to be an expert on being LGBTQ+ and teach them everything about these identities. If your child comes out it is your responsibility to educate yourself and find resources and support.

3. Do use their correct name and pronouns: do not use your child’s dead name or incorrect pronouns. Using the correct name and pronouns can be one of the most validating experiences for a person. Conversely, using the incorrect ones can be damaging and hurtful. If you make a mistake, promptly apologize, and move on. And no, you do not have a right to name your trans child because you are the parent.

4. Don't out them without their consent: while it might be helpful for you to talk with your friends or extended family members about your child it is not your place to do so without their consent. Coming out is an important time and it is also a safety issue. Allow your child to determine how and when they want to do this. This also includes not outing them to their school if they do not want to be.

5. Do be their advocate: with their permission, advocate for LGBTQ+ causes within their community and their school. Showing your support and interest can be very affirming for your child.

6. Do seek your own support if needed: a parent might understandably have their own feelings and concerns if their child comes out and might benefit from additional support. Please consider seeking therapy to talk through these feelings so that you are not intentionally or unintentionally projecting these things onto your kid.