Ghostbusters: The Psychology of Ghosting

By Jordan Mayfield, LSCSW, LCAC

The relationship phenomenon of “ghosting” is not a new practice. However, in the technologically advanced age we are now a part of, it has become more common. In my therapy practice it is something I am encountering regularly. And the emotional impact it can have on those it happens to can be significant.

The term “ghosting” is when a person who is romantically and/or sexually involved with another abruptly cuts off all forms of communication with them or slowly fades out communication until it ends altogether. What makes this even more difficult is the “ghoster” does not communicate with the “ghostee” as to why they are ending the relationship leaving behind a lack of closure, anger, and self-doubt.

Being ghosted has existed as long as dating relationships have. Historically, ghosting occurred when a couple had a date or sexual encounter in which the other person did not contact them again afterward. But in recent years ghosting has become even more common and occurs not only after “one-night stands” but sometimes after months of exclusive dating.

In 2023 dating is literally at our fingertips. There is immediate access to potential mates 24/7. Most people identify having “ghosted” someone who they spoke to online where there was not a connection. Those in the online dating world have come to expect this as an acceptable way to move on to the next potential match. While this can be disappointing to those that it happens to, most can bounce back relatively unscathed.

The type of ghosting which has increased and subsequently caused significant distress is the type that occurs after a relationship begins. Meaning the couple has gone on many or several dates and possibly even discussed being exclusive with one another. Then, out of the blue, one of them disappears. Usually, this disappearance includes not responding to text messages, social media communication attempts or phone calls. What type of person who has built rapport and invested time and energy into another would all of the sudden act like they don’t exist and why?

Ghosting is equal to swiping left. While there are many perks to online dating and its ability to connect us with others we might not encounter otherwise, it also can promote the idea that people are not in fact people but walking dating profiles or “something they can just swipe away if it’s not quite right.” The depersonalization that inherently exists when behind a screen allows for people to view others, not as human beings, but stimuli that is no longer interesting. This makes it much easier to end a connection if and/or when it no longer serves us and immediately move on to the next person.

Ghosting is the path of least resistance. Some view ghosting as cowardice. However, most ghosters create an internal narrative that justifies their behavior or “convince themselves that what they are doing is totally fine.” Ghosting is an avoidant communication behavior. It is primarily used by person(s) who want to avoid conflict or the distress that results from conflict at all costs. According to Psychology Today "ghosting is, by and large, not a great way to treat people you respect. It’s passive-aggressive, it’s self-protective at the expense of other people’s feelings.”

In a traditional break-up there are cues that occur that often give the person being broken up with a sense of anticipation that things might be going south. These can include conflict, less time spent together, and lack of eye or other contact to name a few. These nonverbal cues help in developing a narrative about the end of a relationship, even if it isn’t initially mutual. However, ghosting generally occurs after a person spends a pleasant or memorable time period with the ghostee. This makes it even more confusing and hurtful because there are no “obvious” signs of what went wrong. This often leaves the person that is ghosted ruminating about what they did wrong that resulted in a person treating them this way. Science suggests that this type of trauma activates that same parts of the brain that respond to physical pain.

But in fact ghosting is far more a reflection on the person doing it than the person experiencing it. It is a sign that the person is unwilling or unable to respond appropriately to a normal social interaction such as dating. While hurtful, finding out about this prior to a long- term commitment is important. Data from 2018 show that at least 25% of people have been ghosted, and this number is quickly rising as use of technology in dating relationships does too.

The data also show that if a person has been ghosted, 50% of the time they will go on to ghost someone else. As a result, this behavior becomes normalized as bad as it may feel. The key is to take accountability in our relationships, reduce indifference and focus on treating others with respect. Sometimes I hear from clients who have ghosted others justify this behavior by stating they were “taking care of” themselves and/or “setting boundaries.” However, setting healthy boundaries takes into account the feelings and dignity of both parties, not just themselves. The obvious exception to this would be when someone needs to leave a violent relationship in which leaving without warning might be the most appropriate and safe option. Generally speaking, we cannot build on our own self-esteem and worth while simultaneously disrespecting others.

Ghosting appears to be here to stay. And unfortunately, there isn’t a lot of information that exists to help us protect ourselves from it. If you have been ghosted, know that you are not alone. Your pain is very real and will need time to heal like any other physical or emotional wound. Do your best not to personalize what has occurred and not to allow it to define how you feel about yourself. And just as importantly, don’t allow it to dictate how you learn to navigate conflict within your own future dating relationships by ghosting others.